The main reason for my absence from the blog was no other than mental health. I’ve been having anxiety attacks for the past couple of weeks, I’ve been feeling awful about everything and making a huge effort to get out of bed in the morning.
I don’t know what happened or what changed, but I have been struggling. I blame it on the huge pressure that University puts on you, and I blame it on myself for setting such high standers for me. The thought of simply giving up and go back home has been haunting me more than anything this semester, it’s the easy way out, and I’ve been thinking about it more and more every day. But now, and with two weeks to go, by far the hardest two weeks of the semester with multiple evaluations daily it seems stupid to give up, I’ve made it his far, it’s just another two weeks.
In this post I won’t be sharing any advice with you, this is more to myself than to anyone else, this is more to show people that regardless of how good you look in your Instagram pictures you can be struggling so hard inside, you can cry yourself to sleep every night and make an insta story in the morning super happy and energetic, it’s the art of pretending.
I’ve been feeling better, I’ve started going to a pilates class in my gym.
I realized that the gym was another factor that was giving me anxiety, I’ve changed gyms and the one I’m in right now is huge. Every time I went there I ended up feeling overwhelmed and lost, all I wanted to do was crying and at the same time, I felt like I was the person in worst shape there. There was a time in my life that I worked out around 6 hours per day, I did Volleyball, Gymnastics, and Trampoline all in the same day. I used to be in great shape and having no resistance or strength what so ever, especially when I was comparing myself to every other person that was working out there was just making everything much worst to me. So I started pilates because it helps me clear my mind, stretch my body and recover some strength and then in the new year I’m planning on doing cycling and just working out in the machines without being in a class.
At the same time, I feel that the fact that this is my last year (sort of) in University is getting to me as well. I have no idea what I want to do with my life, besides being a full-time blogger (which let’s face it, I am not anywhere near making money with blogging, so thinking about going full time feels just plain stupid). I still have one year to decide what to do when I finish university but, one year flies by. In 2019 I have to find a way to start making money with my blog, to be more consistent with posting and to produce better content so that this can actually become an option for me. Right now, I see Anne’s Perks as my hobby, next year I am going to finally run it as a business.
For me, the best way to battle my anxiety is to talk to someone, and it took me so long to realize this. That is half of the reason why I am writing this post, because it feels like I am talking to someone, even if no one is actually listening, the (bad) thoughts are getting out of my head. I have a really hard time letting people in. I’ve been hurt before and I am afraid to trust people because I might get hurt again. But it came to a point in which my boyfriend really couldn’t take it anymore, he was being affected by my problems, who had nothing to do with him, and I had to talk to someone, and talking only proved me that there are people you can trust and that they will appreciate the fact that you trust them. They are your friends for a reason. By all means, if you feel the need contact professional help, there is no shame in that. I am thinking about doing it myself. Believe me, when I say that took me too long to realize that I may need it and that that doesn’t make me anything, it doesn’t define me or label me as anything other than myself.
I am not 100% fine, but I am good enough right now if I wasn’t I wouldn’t be able to write this and to put it on the internet to be read by anyone. Everyone that knows me can read this, they can judge me based on what I’ve written and make assumptions about me, however, I truly don’t care. I can deal with that. I know that this little blog post can help some who have been feeling the same way. Someone who just wants to give up and go to sleep (because when you sleep the problems aren’t there to disturb your mind) might be reading this and I want to take the position in which I say, I’ve been feeling the same way, I’ve been coping with that and I have been fighting it. I’ve been trying to book appointments in the morning so that I have a reason to get out of bed, I have been trying to eat healthier and to go to Starbucks to study (where I am writing this blog post), so that I have a reason to get out of the house. I haven’t been in the best place mentally but I am fighting harder everyday to get there. I feel like on the 21st of December (when I finish my finals) I will start feeling away better, specially when I am home for the Holidays with nothing to worry about besides food and family and friends and presents and good things. 2018 was a pretty shitty year (regardless of having some amazing stuff as well) and I am sure that 2019 is going to be way better.
If you ever need someone to talk too, feel free to send me a DM on any of my social media, and I hope anyone reading this has a blessed holiday season and an amazing 2019!
Love,
Ana
Photography: João Machado
Location: Pink Street, Lisbon
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